BEFORE I KNEW GOD

We all have the before story of our lives. Those moments where we found ourselves slumped on mud, lost, discontented, disliked, and hopeless. We thought that there would be no way out. We thought it’s just us against the world. We thought no one would ever come to rescue us but ourselves alone. We thought that no one would ever dare to love us back after all the unwanted things that we have done. We thought no one would open their arms to pamper and to cheer us up. We thought it’s better not to live anymore, that it’s better to end our lives here.

But then, there’s God.

When I was younger, my parents would ask us to get up early because we need to go to church and that we should not let God wait for us. At that young age, I felt it was an obligation every Sunday. I always felt really sleepy during the homily and I never understood what the priest was saying, all I thought I was cleansed because I went to the church. That’s what all that matter to me back then. Our school was near the church as well and was active in church activities where I joined some too. We also had Bible Study once in a week and we are taught nice stories in the Bible. I continued going to church, though my parents had stopped or would just go if they have time to spare, but the reason why I did so was because I’d got a crush on one of the altar boys.

Come high school, things changed. I stopped going to church too. I’d rather stay at home and sleep instead of hearing the overused gospel. I never cared of church activities in school and would not attend masses or sometimes I’d say I’m not religious enough to hear the Lord. Then one day, a couple of alumni went to visit the school and to share testimonies on how their lives changed after accepting Jesus as their Saviour. I went to see who these people are, and I stayed because a lot of my classmates were there too. I never wanted to be left behind or not on the trend that time. We were invited to attend a praise and worship just near the school and was tempted to go because it felt like freedom, I told my parents something came up in school and I can’t go home early. And so my friends and I went there, during the worship songs, most of the students around me were crying, lifting their hands up, chanting to the songs, and I was alienated in the corner. Why are these people crying? What’s so tearful about it? I asked myself. Later that week, I went to the church they’re endorsing us to go. I’ve got myself a discipler too but after few weeks of attending Sunday services, most of my classmates stopped going, so did I.

College days was one of my darkest days without the Lord. At this stage, I’ve totally forsaken God. I decided not to believe anymore because I thought I never felt Him ever since, and that He was just a product of religious people’s imagination. I read conspiracy theories, atheist pages’ posts on social media, and the so-called¬†truth they are saying, I was quick to believe because I thought there were never solid evidence to prove Jesus’s existence. I got a lot of questions in my head, I never read the Bible because I thought it was forged, I attacked believers and simply pulling them away from their faith, I challenged them with questions and when they weren’t able to answer I’d laugh at the back of my mind.

Aside from these, I also made fool of myself and made a lot of sins because why not. I drowned myself with the worldliness, I watched porn when I was bored, I tricked people on the internet, I trolled them with their God, and I silently bashed them. I judged people, I kept anger, I lied, I slacked and lazed around, I won’t share anything I like, I envied almost everyone who was more successful than I am, I was greedy and I was full of pride. If I’m going to count all of my sins, my ten fingers won’t be enough, but what I’m sure of, the top seven deadly sins were there.

Then all was black. The blackest I’ve ever seen. I felt incomplete. I felt unwanted, unsatisfied and hopeless. I didn’t know where to go, whom to lean on, to talk to, to run to. I felt like nobody wanted to hear me out. I felt heavy here, in my heart. I didn’t know what’s wrong. I just felt lonely for no reason. I felt like I need someone but I didn’t know who.

But then, there’s God.

I was so troublesome before I knew and accepted God. I never say that I’m not a sinner now, but I’m in the process of changing and that’s big thanks to my God Who fought with me, Who rescued me, Who loved me despite the ugliness of my heart, Who opened His arms wide to comfort me, Who taught me that life was the best gift I have.

My walk with the Lord may not be perfect, but I am living to serve Him and to follow Him and I know, no matter how much times I failed,¬†God will always be there to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right, to guide me, and to love me to the fullest.

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